Shortly after I began this blog, my grandmother passed away. It happened so fast, yet it seemed like everything went in slow motion. I packed up, sold most of my things and moved in with my grandparents in December 2011. She was still getting around a little at that time. By Spring 2012 she was not walking at all and unable to take care of her hygiene on her own. May 2013, she left us.
I did not know what I was signing up for. My intentions were really sweet, but I did not have a clue what I was taking on. I am glad I did not because I would have been totally intimidated and afraid to jump in the way I did. When I first moved in, she wanted only my grandfather to take care of her. My feelings were hurt that she did not want me to assist her, but then I thought that maybe it was a husband-wife thing and I tried not to take it personal.
When she finally began to depend on me, I was in awe of the condition she was in. I surprised myself with the level of compassion and patience I was able to demonstrate. I also noticed that she became so comfortable with my ability to care for her that he demands came more frequent and more without regard for my responsibilities as a mother and professional.
There came a point when I realized that I had to set up the boundaries and, most importantly, take care of myself. I watched her my entire life do for others and live her life around the lives of members of the family. I never saw her take a break, go off somewhere and rejuvenate, or anything. I realized that in order for me to continue to be patient, kind and loving, I had to be that to myself. To me, it seemed that her body broke down after decades of neglect and constant giving without ever replenishing.
So, the first thing I did was make sure that once a month I went to get a massage. I had to in order to alleviate the strain of moving her around. I also began to exercise regularly. It became a lifestyle and an essential component of keeping my mind clear. Daily meditation and prayer eventually became my anchor for emotional stability in the midst of it all, and basically I took any other opportunity to participate in the development and growth of my spiritual self. Every night, after I put her to bed and my son, I would step out for 90 minutes to two hours. Sometimes I parked by the beach or went window shopping, or to a friend’s house. I made sure I did something for me.
She talked about me bad for a while. One day I sat down and explained to her why I do what I do. She was not too far gone to see that I had to do this for me to keep a peaceful state of mind. Whereas once she criticized me for exercising, she began to encourage me. The same goes for my monthly trips to the spa for massage. At first, she would make snide remarks. Eventually, she would remind me that I needed to make an appointment.
Through all of this, I have learned to take care of me. Taking care of me does not make me selfish. Taking care of me makes me a smart woman because my family benefits from having a more calm, balanced and peaceful person to rely on. I can walk in the house and smile, be pleasant and perform my tasks with gratitude. I feel this way because I stop to breathe. I take inventory and I recharge. Since I have been in this frame of mind, I no longer rush and force my way through the day. I noticed that I can take my time, be more flexible, and be more patient with others. This makes me a better person and more available to serve others.
No comments:
Post a Comment